Now I lay me down to....

I honestly don't remember an age that I didn't have so much trouble sleeping. It is 4:15 AM and I am tired... but I just cannot make myself sleep. When I was younger, I would sit up in my bed for hours unable to sleep. I would just think about things all night. I would think about dogs with no homes and no food. I would think about what things might be like when I got older. I thought about dying and how scary it was. Sometimes I would cry. I don't even remember why. My mom told me that she came in to my room one night when I was very young because I was crying. She told me that I told her that I saw Jesus standing at the foot of my bed. I used to get out of my bed in the middle of the night and walk around the house or go in my closet and look for something to play with. I would pull all of my stuffed animals out of the closet and tuck them all into my bed because I couldn't sleep thinking about them all cold and lonely in the closet. I once got up and read a whole book by a night light because I couldn't get myself to fall asleep. Sometimes I would get an idea for some kind of project and I would think about it until I just had to get up and work on it. When I got a little older I started to think about people and friends. Then I started to think about homework and tests. I used to think about what would happen if no one wanted to go to the prom with me. I started to think about graduating and never seeing my friends again. I started thinking about college and how I had no idea what I was ever going to do. Some days I feel like I have been awake my whole life. Sometimes I have to take pills just to get any sleep at all. Sometimes (like now) the pills don't work. I just think about things. Sometimes sad and sometimes happy. I feel like my lack of sleep would make me so unhealthy but I never get sick. Maybe I am a super human or something... Maybe something is internally wrong with me... maybe I am just some sort of a weirdo. A lot of times I just don't feel like going to sleep. Sometimes going into my cold, dark room feels so lonely. Especially on Sunday nights and I am not quite sure why. Sometimes I feel like going to sleep just makes me feel alone. Sometimes I hate having good dreams because waking up is so painful. Maybe sometimes I just don't want to miss something that I might miss while I am asleep. A lot of times I just can't do it as much as I really want to.